


Hostage

by mkhhhx



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Feelings, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Pining, Post-Break Up, Recreational Drug Use, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, but hopeful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-07-23 07:48:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16154726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mkhhhx/pseuds/mkhhhx
Summary: I don't know what to doTo do with your kiss on my neckI don't know what feels trueBut this feels right so stay a sec





	Hostage

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mashmash](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mashmash/gifts).



> Loosely inspired from Billy Eilish's "Hostage".

“I miss him” Kihyun says exhaling a cloud of smoke, “I miss him.”

Minhyuk takes the blunt hanging loosely from Kihyun’s fingers and inhales as much of it as he can.

“Why?” Minhyuk feels light and heavy at the same time. They had some drinks before the weed, he knows he must look as bad as he feels, but Kihyun is even worse. He looks about to cry.

“Because” Kihyun starts, but dozes off. He lets his head fall back on the couch and shuts his eyes.

“Why?” Minhyuk asks again, crawling next to Kihyun on the couch. “Why do you still miss him so much” his voice becomes almost a whisper, “when you have me all yours?”

Kihyun stares, but he’s not really looking and Minhyuk feels himself moving even closer, his knee touching Kihyun’s.

“What do you mean” Kihyun’s voice is hoarse, gravely, “all mine?”

Minhyuk doesn’t know what to do or say. He thinks it’s obvious, it should have been. His crush on Kihyun, that ugly pile of feelings, pushed in a corner of Minhyuk’s mind for the past three years. But it never left, it was always there, prodding and trying to find ways to get out.

“Can I kiss you?” Minhyuk is hovering above Kihyun, steadying himself on the back of his couch but still so sloppy.

Kihyun remains unmoving, until he mouths the tiniest “yes”.

Minhyuk climbs on his lap. He stares at Kihyun like it’s the first time they are looking at each other. Kihyun’s eyes are glassy and Minhyuk, deep down, knows what he’s about to do is wrong.

He leans in and kisses Kihyun. A peck on the lips. A second one. A flick of his tongue and Kihyun opens his lips, so welcoming. He moans into Minhyuk’s mouth and caresses the short hair of his nape.

Minhyuk draws back, breathes. Kihyun is wearing a loose shirt, too long on his short frame. It’s not his own. Minhyuk takes it off and kisses him again.

He’s straddling Kihyun’s thigh, the old couch creaking underneath them and Minhyuk loses track of time, of space, of himself. Hands and clothes and a soft, warm mouth, everywhere. He lets himself enjoy, submerge in the sensation.

Minhyuk has imagined their first time together a lot, slow and sensual, muffled moans and soft giggles. But it’s nothing like it. Kihyun is desperate for the release and Minhyuk is desperate for Kihyun. 

And it’s over as soon as it stars, hands still on each other and pants undone and pulled down and stained.

Kihyun seems sober and his eyes are cold, he can see nothing of his ex-lover in Minhyuk.

“Get up” he groans pushing Minhyuk aside and just like this, it’s done. Minhyuk’s head hurts too much, but his heart, his heart is the one suffering the most.

Minhyuk stays there, watches Kihyun walk to his room and close the door like nothing ever happened, one more casual night between roommates.

Minhyuk cries himself to sleep again, half-hopes Kihyun will hear him that time.

 

 

“Won’t we talk about it?” Minhyuk asks the next morning, Kihyun entering the kitchen already dressed.

“No.” he answers, not sparing Minhyuk a single look.

He’s out until late at night. That day, and the whole week afterwards.

Minhyuk knows he fucked up.

 

He remembers falling in love with Kihyun, a soothing feeling at first, like autumn leaves and hot chocolate and pancakes with a small witty note when Minhyuk woke up hangover, still at his last year of university.

Minhyuk graduated and found a job, Kihyun kept studying and found a lover. And the crush had yet to go away.

Minhyuk tried so hard, he really did. Dated and met people and went to clubs to bring men and women home.

Nothing could compare to Kihyun’s smile and his messy hair in the mornings and the way he laughed right after he scolded Minhyuk for hoarding mugs in his room.

So, Minhyuk stopped trying and started hoping. It went on for two years and a half, torturously slow, like time had frozen with Kihyun and his lover.

And then one summer night Kihyun came home crying. He sat on the couch and told Minhyuk his lover broke up with him between sobs. That guy told Kihyun he was not enough. Not enough around, not enough emotionally invested, not this and not that. Minhyuk held him and let him cry and bought him overpriced ice cream from the convenience store.

Two months have passed and Kihyun was still a vessel of the man he once were. Spacing out and overworking himself and once again, Minhyuk could just watch, maybe even hope that the ex-lover could come back to end Kihyun’s suffering. Minhyuk could do that too, maybe, he could be even better, if only Kihyun would let him in.

But they were nothing more than friends, best friends, Kihyun sometimes called them, and roommates who’ve been living together for so long after meeting through mutual acquaintances.

Minhyuk that night was nothing but selfish. He achieved nothing. Only a moment of pleasure and then driving Kihyun away. He could blame him on the alcohol and weed, but he’s sure Kihyun knew it wasn’t this. They were never like this before.

He waited for Kihyun to come back home every night, fell asleep on the couch and sometimes there was a blanket over him when he woke up. But no sight of Kihyun.

So Minhyuk kept searching for jobs and eating frozen meals and pretending to be happy when he met up with friends at weekends. Kihyun kept ignoring his existence and running away from every chance of conversation. And Minhyuk was just little by little losing his patience.

 

 

Minhyuk for once had to be the mature one. He made coffee and waited. And waited for some more, sitting on the worn couch with one of Kihyun’s old shirts on. It was long after midnight when he heard the key slipping in the lock, the door opening slowly to revel a torn up Kihyun.

“What were you doing until so late?” Minhyuk tries to get rid of the tension all over his body, appear relaxed.

“When did you started caring?” Kihyun lets his bag on the floor, heading to the bathroom like he always does.

“When did I ever stopped?” Minhyuk pulls his legs on the couch and curls into himself. He didn’t realize how cold it was.

“I was at the library, studying.” Kihyun stops on his tracks.

“You need rest, have you eaten?” Kihyun has been losing so much weight, full cheeks becoming hollow.

“Yeah.” Kihyun turns back. Maybe he missed Minhyuk a bit too, they used to be so close.

“Kihyun.” Minhyuk knows he shouldn’t push. But he wants to, he wants to be clear about his feelings at last.

Kihyun looks at him, a deep frown on his face and arms stiff on his sides. He pulls a chair and sits opposed to Minhyuk.

“What even do you want to say about…about…” About jerking each other off after years of being platonic friends.

“We just need to talk Kihyun, you can’t keep running from it. Or from anything else.” And Minhyuk needs to stop running from his feelings.

“I’m not-“

“Kihyun, please.”

“Fine. Talk then.” Kihyun hides his face behind his hands. He looks fragile, ready to collapse.

“Do you think what happened was a mistake?” Because Minhyuk is sure it was.

“Of course it was a mistake, I felt like…”

“Like?”

“…like I was cheating on him.” Minhyuk isn’t sure he wants to laugh at this or cry.

“Kihyun, you didn’t. You broke up. It’s been months, just give yourself a break already. He’s not coming back to you.”

“How do you know?”

“He broke up with you Kihyun, be reasonable.”

“Just shut up, he still cares about me.” Kihyun doesn’t even seem to believe what he’s saying. Minhyuk knows he made him feel cornered. Denial and aggression were always Kihyun’s weapons of choice.

“Did he even call or message you at all?” Minhyuk is sure he didn’t.

“Not your business Minhyuk.”

“There are people who care and love you way more.” Minhyuk gets up, stands in front of Kihyun, feeling so tall compared to the small silhouette.

“Like who?” Kihyun looks up to meet his eyes and Minhyuk can’t stop himself from reaching out to cup his face.

“Like me.” He leans down to kiss Kihyun softly, the way Kihyun should be kissed.

 

“Minhyuk” Kihyun pulls him by the waistband of his sweats, “Our feelings about this, they are the same, right?” he lets Minhyuk on his lap.

“Our…feelings?” Minhyuk places his hands on Kihyun’s chest, tries to create some distance between their bodies.

“That’s what you wanted to tell me, right?” Kihyun runs his hands up Minhyuk’s sides, makes him shiver.

“Tell you what?” Minhyuk can feel the subtle ways Kihyun’s hips move underneath him, slowly driving him crazy.

“It’s just convenient, right?” Kihyun starts kissing up his neck and Minhyuk’s confession flies out of the window.

“Right.”

They stumble to Kihyun’s room and Minhyuk lets himself be used. To make Kihyun feel better. He’s convenient after all.

 

 

Kihyun initiates it more and more and Minhyuk doesn’t even try to tell him to stop. Still, it feels so disconnected, impersonal and Minhyuk knows Kihyun is not thinking about him, always so quick and quiet. When it’s done, they clean up and pretend nothing happened.

Kihyun is also probably good at pretending he doesn’t see the stars in Minhyuk’s eyes. Or he just doesn’t care enough to notice.

At least, life gets somehow normal again.

Kihyun seems better, returns to his old self as time passes. He watches dramas and bakes cookies and leaves food for Minhyuk.

He is different when they sleep together too, softer, takes his time like he cares for making Minhyuk feel better too, like he’s paying attention.

 

 

Minhyuk is completely naked, sitting at the edge of the Kihyun’s bed, too tired to get up.

He can hear Kihyun’s breathing, but he won’t turn around. He already knows how beautiful Kihyun must look, spent and sleepy wrapped in the sheets.

Minhyuk feels a hand on his shoulder.

“What did you mean that night when you said you are all mine?” Kihyun’s voice is tiny.

Minhyuk turns to look at him. He’s too tired to keep it together anymore.

“I’m in love with you.”

They look at each other and Kihyun gives him a sad smile.

“I know.”

Silence.

“Then why…?” Minhyuk takes Kihyun’s hand into his own, “why?”

“I thought you would get tired of me. We could make this work as a way to relieve tension. Only this.”

“I’m just falling more for you. Just tell me you don’t want me, set me free.”

“I do. I want you, physically, I’m sure of it. But feelings? I don’t know what I feel and for whom.” Kihyun plays with Minhyuk’s fingers, lifts his hands to brush his lips on the knuckles.

“Maybe we should just stop and try to save what’s left of our friendship.” Minhyuk pulls his hands back, folds them in his lap.

“Maybe we could try.”

“Try what?”

Kihyun leans back on the wall, bare and exposed for Minhyuk in more levels than just the physical. He closes his eyes, too similar to the first time they kissed.

“Maybe you were right, there are people who love me. And maybe I can love them back.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
